Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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