he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize