new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
