just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Randomize
