I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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