Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
