Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
