I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
