I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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