I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
