Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
