I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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