My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
