if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
