This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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