The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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