What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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