I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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