Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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