Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
