my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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