I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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