Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I think your dad took our porno
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
