i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
