yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
