Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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