You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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