I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
