Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
