hotel room ftw
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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