Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
