i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
