Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
