i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
