my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
When did angry sex become our thing?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
