I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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