omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
