i love accidental penises.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
