Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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