she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
