wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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