2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
