Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
