youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Randomize
