I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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