he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
