i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
