You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
