Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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