I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
