If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
