"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Randomize
