Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
