I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
