update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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